does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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