I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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