Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
