do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
