You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
