god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
