I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
