I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Randomize
