apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
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