Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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