When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
