We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Randomize
