My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
