Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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