If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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