He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize
