His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
