Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
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