So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
