I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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