so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Randomize
