you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
