We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
