I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
she smelled like a LAN party
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
