I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
