you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I still have a little drunk in my system
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
