I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
