well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
