Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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