Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Randomize
