saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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