Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Plural? Please tell.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.