Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.