Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.