my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Randomize
