You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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