If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
