My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
