hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
Say something about gay babies.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
