dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
