You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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