just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
