Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
