my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
