Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Randomize
