So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
