Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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