just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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