I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Randomize
