I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
