I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I stole a fireplace last night.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Blow job season was short but glorious.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
