Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
