My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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