my vag is so smooth its legendary
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
