Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
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