my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
