dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
you didnt know i had herpes?
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
