He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
