you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Congratulations! We have a period
Randomize
