Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
